I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Eddy!
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Eddy says anything sexual or offensive. Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know". The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain." Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building. The class remains quiet. The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that? Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish. At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out. Eddy looks around and says: Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..
I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
Here’s a compilation of all the funniest clean jokes in existence
https://youtu.be/q6rn38t6y74kr
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a “clever” man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read “TEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJURED”. They ask Temel: “How come you commit such an act?” Temel answers: “Everything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaar”.
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”.
The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro… proo… problem?" The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter. At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back." The doctor shook his head and replied, "Tha…thaaa…that's im… immm… imm… po.. po.. pooo.. impossible!"
Flight attendant stop the bus I’m sea sick!
Sir you are on a train
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away…
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
Samsung?
Well what did he sing?!
A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.
He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." The goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in. "Can I have a cookie?", asks Grandpa. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa says, "As a matter of fact, it can!" The little boy replies, "Well then you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies."
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
Simon says
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day
The FBI had an open position for an assassin
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
No text found
I bought some bug spray.
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets
/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.