Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, Iβd get rid of the 800m. Itβs too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then heβs a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
Women shoots her husband
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
Heres one from my chemistry teacher
From my chemistry teacher; Frank Jr. "Yeah I have the same name as my dad. You want to know his best dad joke? Every time he calls me on the cellphone, he starts the conversation with "listen, I'm gonna be frank with you"
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
It all
No text found
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
I canβt see an end, I have no control and I donβt think thereβs any escape β I donβt even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just donβt understand why she feels that way.
My wife got really mad at me because I donβt have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
You have my Word.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?" "That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
A young man buys a brand-new bike
He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and rides off on his new best friend. After 300 kilometres of touring fun, his bike begins to stutter and eventually breaks down. The man finds himself in the middle of nowhere and walks to the nearest farm. The farmer, who is working outside on the land, greets him and asks if he stays for dinner, awaiting the truck who'll pick up his bike for reparation. Eagerly the man agrees. Inside he meets the farmers wife and their beautiful daughter. When he walks into the kitchen, he's astounded by the biggest pile of dirty dishes he has ever seen. 'We have one dinner rule', the farmer says. 'Whoever speaks during dinner, has to do the dishes.' Dinner is served and everyone is enjoying the meal in total silence. When desert comes, the farmers daughter takes off her top, and starts frisking the man. In about two minutes they are making love, right there on the table. Nobody utters a word. After they finish, the farmers wife gets under the table, and blows the man like he's never been blown before. Right after she climbs on his lap, and rides him like a bull. Still, nobody has said a word. When she's done, the man lights a sigarette and peeks out of the window. He notices it's started drizzling outside, and remembers his bike is out in the open. He jolts up, grabs the vaseline and bolts to the front door, only to find it locked. He sprints back into the kitchen, making wild armgestures to the farmer, pointing outside, to the door and to his tiny jar of vaseline. The farmer, white with fear, then says: 'Allright allright, I'll do the dishes!'
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: βThat took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didnβt even see me.β
βThatβs just simple thievery,β the Irishman replied. βIβll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.β The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: βSir, I want to show you a magic trick.β The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: βOkay my friend, whereβs the magic trick?β The Irishman then said: βLook in the Englishmanβs pockets.β