I haven't spoke to my wife in 7 years

Yup. Would probably do something like dropping the phone on my face or refrigerating the laundry :P

The throne where everything is clear except the throne itself.

https://ift.tt/2sM9Qy1

There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.

It's because they are still alive.

My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing…

"And they're off!"

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

[NSFW] This one is a bit tasteless. So be warned.

Water.

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at

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A cop pulled someone over

Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.

Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.

If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party

You should go to Daenerys exit.

Three charges of first-degree murder

No one liked my skeleton costume and I was hurt

My sense of humor is so fucked up

Agreed 💯 Too bad he has since caved to Trumpism

https://ift.tt/369NOn8

Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?

On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".

“Tooting your own horn” sounds like another phrase for masturbating. But it essentially means “masturbating your own ego”.

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”

It takes screen shots.

If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I would be like, why am I always getting this free money?

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A little holiday pun I made a couple years ago…

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…

We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you

You have my Word

More like ephebophile, but ok.

Is this the best Year??!!??!!?

https://ift.tt/2VHhFkw

…and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil. Devil: Why are you so sad? Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay — you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean…? Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die — you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place! Devil: You gay? Guy: No. Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays

I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

yikes

sudo apt-get install sl

https://ift.tt/2RMg5LB

I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.

That way I can set my own hours.

Sigh

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training…

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab." Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle. Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do. As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." And that enemy falls over dead! Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him. Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The other guy drops and writhes in pain. All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path. Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming. Sam tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him. As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."

Got emmm

https://ift.tt/2Dl79VK

Bang bang

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Always accuses others of that which HE’S MOST GUILTY OF.

https://ift.tt/2TxvEHM

A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."