I heard the transcripts mainly appear to be Putin reading “autocratcy for idiots” verbatim to Trump ;)
To the person who took my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy!
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
No text found
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
A man goes to church to confess his sins….
He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard." The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad." "Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard." "My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed." The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard." The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries." The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house." The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?" The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
When is 40 bigger than 50?
XL is bigger than L
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
In college, I was so broke that I couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
Why fight over subsbtance when you can instead weaponize symbolic cultural grievances?
https://ift.tt/33wJVXH
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her “no it doesn’t”
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you’re level 100 friendzoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
Surprise dad joke from my wife
I will preface this by saying I work in IT. The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was “you’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker” My wife’s response was “but he does work with Windows” I am a proud husband.
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He'll be born in April
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Could you imagine the alphabet without the letter B?
It's easy, if you make B leave.
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
https://ift.tt/2Tyb0br
