I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
Iβm not wearing glasses anymore.
Iβve seen enough.
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
What’s the difference between a Leopard and a Jaguar?
Thousands of miles.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married…
The ceremony wasnβt much but the reception was incredible!
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, βI hope you donβt mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?β. βAbout 32,β is the reply.β βNope! Iβm exactly 50,β the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonaldβs and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, βIβd guess about 29.β The woman replies with a big smile, βNope, Iβm 50.β Now sheβs feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, βOh, Iβd say 30.β Again she proudly responds, βIβm 50, but thank you!β While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, βLady, Iβm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.β They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, βWhat the hell, go ahead.β He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, βOkay, okay…..How old am I?β He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, βMadam, you are 50.β Stunned and amazed, the woman says, βThat was incredible, how could you tell?β βI was behind you at McDonaldsβ.
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, βHave you read Marx?β The other one replies…
βYes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.β
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges CΒ₯10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another CΒ₯10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, βFluctuations.β The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, βFluctuamelicans!β
Boss told me that as a security guard, itβs my job to watch the office
Iβm on season 6 and Iβm not really sure what this show has to do with security
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Doctor! Doctor! I’m really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.
https://ift.tt/38mdDRT
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
My grandfatherβs last words were, βGallons. Quarts. Litres.β
That spoke volumes.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the Main stream.
My friend changed his name from William to Lawrence
Thatβs how a Bill becomes a Law.
Why isnβt there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because theyβre ice-o-lated.
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year
It's the first time they'll see 2020
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm… that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"