I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.
The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: "The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for living?" Gambler says "I am a professional gambler." "A gambler?" said the IRS agent with slightly puzzled and surprised look on his face. "Yes, I make my money by betting, would you like a demonstration?" "Sure" said the IRS agent "let's have a demonstration" "I will bet you $1,000; that I can bite my eye" said the gambler. "OK, you have a bet" replied IRS agent with a smirk on his face. The gambler pops out his glass eye and bites it. IRS agent is shocked as he did not see that coming, and he did agree to a $1,000 bet in from of gamblers attorney. "All right, all right, this was not really fair" said the gambler. "I will give you a chance to win your money back. I will bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye." IRS agent looks over the guys paperwork and see that he is not legally blind and takes the bet. The gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. The IRS agent is now visibly stressed and sweating for being on the hook for $2,000. "I tell you what. Double or nothing, I will stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes and piss into the garbage can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop, what do you say?" IRS agent is a little perplex, but does not see how that would be possible and takes the bet. The gambler stands on the agents desks, unzip his pants, closes his eyes and pisses all over the agents desk. "YES!!!" exclaimed the IRS agent knowing he won the bet and does not own the gambler any money. "Ahh, shiiiit" said the attorney. "What's the matter?" asked the IRS agent. "Well, he bet me $20,000 that he will come to your office today, piss all over your desk, and you would be happy about it."
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail
He didn't even complete his sentence
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
