I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
She’s a really big help.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
Here’s one my 5-year old made up: What does a cat wear at night?
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?
A un-aware wolf
The computer is connected to watt?
Tech Support: Thanks for calling our repair shop, how may I help you? Customer: I unplugged my space heater and my computer said “no signal” and went black! Tech support: Does the keyboard or mouse make it turn back on? Customer: No, it doesn’t. Tech support: Did the power strip turn off? Sometimes they trip off when something like that gets unplugged. Customer: No, it’s still on, still has the green light. Tech support: Could you follow the cords on your computer and make sure none are frayed? Customer: (rustle rustle) Okay, both cords are fine. They’re good as new. Tech support: (Thinking, both cords? There should be more than 2 on a desktop) Could you tell me where the cords go? Customer: One goes to the wall, and the other one goes to the space heater. Tech support: The cord on your computer goes to the space heater? Customer: Yes. Tech support: (facepalm) Try plugging the “space heater” back in. Customer: Oh! Now the computer is working again.
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
No text found
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
cleaning with alcohol doesn’t work…
…NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
This is Greta Thunberg’s favorite subreddit.
She's very appreciative of our commitment to recycling jokes.
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
What do you call a muscular Arab?
Protein Sheikh.
My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
I like to tell dad jokes
He always finds them funny
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
