I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
Why do teenage girls always walk in odd numbers
Cuz they like can’t even
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
Me being tempted by all the languages I tell myself I could learn while under quarantine.
https://ift.tt/2xLOKlw
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time…
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
Shooting tips
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high — tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will." The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it — that'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much."
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%…
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth’s All Star a lot.
Whether they like it or not.
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
Maybe ICE should go after real criminals instead of invading Sanctuary Cities?
https://ift.tt/2SLiwid
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
