I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, “Give it to me straight doc!”
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
xi jinping has coronavirus
He is now called winnie the flu
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
Did you know Dr. Guillotine was killed with his own device because of his incompetence?
Apparently he was in over his head.
How many “friend zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Click here to get rickrolled
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Don’t spell part backwards
It's a trap
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
A man walks in through the front door after work
and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing. "Woah woah woah…what gives?!?" the man says. The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up. "I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocket!" his wife exclaims. She presents a small slip of paper with a woman's name and some digits on it. "That?!? Honey it's the name of a horse I'm betting on this weekend! Come on!!" Defeated, she apologizes and retreats back to the den. The next day the man gets home from work, and low and behold she lunges at him again as he walks through the door, smacking him left and right even more violently than the day before, shouting obscenities he didn't even know she was capable of. "Jesus what did I do this time?!?" the man bellows with his arms guarding his face. "The HORSE called!"
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.