I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, “So Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus. Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults.”
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts
But then I screwed up.
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
The minus button is missing from my calculator.
I guess it won't make any difference.
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
A little boy asked his mother one day…
"Mother, is god a man or a woman?" Mother thought about it, all the debates and political correctness and works… And replied "both". The boy went away in deep thoughts for a while and came back. "Mother, is god black or white?" She thought of the history and racial politics and stuff and replied "both". The boy again in deep thoughts went away for a while and came back. "Mother, is god gay or straight?" She thought of that aspect and replied "both". The little boy jumped with joy and exclaimed "I got it! I got it! It's Michael Jackson!" Note – It's not my joke, only sharing.
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
Jesus at the pearly gates
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
My youngest son wanted to tell me a joke
He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
According to my wife, I’m a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.
I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.
Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”
Dad : “No, the regular kind.”
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
How can you tell all ants are female?
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
Where would you find flying rabbits?
in the hare force