I hope everyone in C Block got their power back on
Dad, how many types of boobs are there?
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?", the son asks. "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." The daughter and wife are infuriated on hearing this. The daughter asks "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mom smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter. "Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
What kind of bees give milk?
Boo-Bees!
my friend told me there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
What’s the worst part of working for the department of unemployment?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
Three men died and ended up in Hell…
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."
A blonde goes to work in tears.
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself…
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
Stolen, but proves that Boomers have become self aware, their humour knows no bounds…
https://ift.tt/3e90SO3
What’s the fastest liquid?
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.