i hope i translated it correctly
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
I didn’t lose my virginity til I was 23…
other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
I sleep better naked.
Why can't this flight attendant understand that?
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
A clown opened up my post today
No text found
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.