I hope it’s not a soupy day out
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words…
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
I quit my job at McDonald’s today…
Boss was a clown
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
What’s a group of Chubby newborns called?
Heavy Infantry
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
Security professionals advise to never use ‘beef stew’ as a password
It isn’t stroganoff
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
Stephen King has a son named Joe
I’m not joking, but he is.
I’m coming
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
With great reflexes comes great response ability
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