I hope no one has posted this yet.
I take something for it.
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
To cover it’s butt-quack.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
Livers are important.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
Clothes, but no cigar.
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
But I'm clean now.
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
But on the other hand im fine
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.
A metalhead \M/
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
My shower gets turned on.
AppleApple: That’s a smoothly operating older model you got there. Be a shame if someone… updated it…You: I already know what you’re going to do and I’m not falling for it.Your Attorney: I have to advise that you do what he says…GoogleGoogle: Looks around nervously You’re not gunna tell anyone right?Apple: Unzips pants No, no. No one’ll even notice.Google: slurping soundsYou: Really, in the middle of the street during rush hour?MicrosoftYou: Oh god, No! It can’t have already been a month!Microsoft: kicks your door down, punches you in the dick, and pisses on your keyboard. How’s the mrs?You: groaning Great.Microsoft: Spits directly into your mouth.You: Thank you.Microsoft: Sure thing… See you next build version. flips your tv over on the way out.SamsungSamsung: Here are some features you never even knew you wantedYour friend: Amazing!Phone: Slits your friend’s throat and laps up the blood.Samsung: Wow! Curveball! Go ahead and try yours. I mean, what are the odds that that’ll happen twice?You:…Samsung:…You: Presses power button Do we get vertical app switching back this year?
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
They are always working on current events.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
Cause dad's left.
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.