I hope someone woke up Green Day
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How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I like jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?" "Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?" "I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Who else in the Midwest got absolutely wrecked by the weather?
Who else in the Midwest got absolutely wrecked by the weather?
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.
It was a family album
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.
What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.
He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis. The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Australian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also". There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over the head with the bottle". "
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
“A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN”…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations…
She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”