I hope this goes platinum
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
All of them, mountains can't jump.
ation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ap9gqf/i_have_a_phd_in_procrastin/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
I’m not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and I’m not a pony
I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.
She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex
So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?” In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
I have a math joke
But I’m 22 to say it
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but soon fell asleep.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
In the early 1900’s, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
What do you get when you cross dyslexic, an insominac and a agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why…..
The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.