I invented a new word
Plagiarism
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
If you’re ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don’t panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
Communism was bound to fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
When I die I want to die peacefully in sleep like my granddad …
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
SOUL POWER
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowntain
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
How do trees 🎄 access internet?
They log in
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
Wife: I have to tell you something.. I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent