I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsssss
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
My dad always said “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them”
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his soup before it was cool.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
Your duck is dead…
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
Somebody stole my mood ring…
I still don't know how I feel about that.
A couple goes to a sex therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.
She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks" The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added… "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW.
She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes." "Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat." "How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow." My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these – "Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'" "How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
A farmer buys a young cock…
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three