I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch…
Got the cold shoulder 🙁
Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.
One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?" The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?
Because she's an on-call-ogist
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
Why has a car made of wood never been successful ?
Because it wooden go.
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
What do you call a soldier that’s survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.” “So what is it then?” she asked. I said, “Its a OnePlus.”
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.” The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!” The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. “Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother. “Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire. “Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I went to a gender reveal party the other day
It was great, but I can’t work out why I was the only naked person there.
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Click here to get rickrolled
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.