I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws
Outlaws are wanted
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing…
Probably because it's a Dell
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?” I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. “Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
Woke up to my phone having a seizure because my dad kept sending me a dozen of these
https://ift.tt/37sNkcH
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow. Girl: What does that have to do with anything? Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"