I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme…
Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
Bold to assume
to assume
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor fins…
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
I still remember my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
A man owned a small ranch in Montana,
One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on. “Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board” “And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “ The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!” “You already are” replied the rancher.
Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
Dad joke warning ⚠
Knock, knock… Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. I warned you.
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Traffic jam!
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.