I just finished a documentary on beavers
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays but no Science Holidays?
Because science works.
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxerβs kid.
She got sick of me.
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
Why arenβt all oceans one depth?
Theyβre inconsistent seas.
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flameβ¦
β¦it smells like burnt nose hair?
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
They have been putting these up every day at work. This was the worst one so far
https://ift.tt/2VYOgkt
A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.
Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"ο»Ώ
Joker to Batman: “Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?”
"Yeah sure." Joker: "Ok, parental love". Batman: "I don't get it.." "exactly."
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
?
I hardly know her!
Pro tip for the kitchen. If you’re out of onions and you really need one…
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and… "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
I am retired…
I was tired yesterday and I am tired today as well.
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."