I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
Makes your PS3 his bitch.
It’s like that
[OC] Still at work tonight. Pixelart
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
Coding on a phone is the best kind of coding
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
When Stars Die…….
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
“I’m sure my wife won’t like this”
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
Current Protest guidelines for Cops
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark. Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
WIFE BAD. AUTOFELLATIO GOOD.
Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she did this awesome save…
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
Stupid child only like phone
Hahah technology bad
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
It’s just that simple
What do you call a drunk coffee?
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “That’ll be 50 cents”. The guy can’t believe it. So he thinks 'fuck it ' and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch “. The bartender hands it to him and says “here. On the house”. Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy. He asks “ok. Where’s the owner” bartender replies “upstairs with my wife”. The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “same thing I’m doing to his business”…
Insert joke here
Insert punchline here
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
Getting grounded for sm we didn’t do smh
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
Is this boomer humor?
Every dev ever
Tenth time’s the charm
Haha.. ha. Ha so funny 🙄🙄
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
My confidence is at Level 1000 😂😂😂
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
But Socialism! Think of our Mom and Pop businesses!
My niece’s Escape from CV game, complete with Target runs.
Vin had it right
I’ve met a noble Russian homosexual
His name was Sir Gay
Just a scarf
What do flies do at church?
No text found
Bob the mailman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman." "What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"
He’s not going to make it, guys 😔
Boomer humor on a card
Keep the Christ in Christmas
Why did the weightlifter start losing IQ points?
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
I recently went to my Mom and Dad’s house for a visit.
There was an old picture hanging on the wall of me and my Brothers. It turns out that when the picture was taken, I was living in a completely different frame of mind.
Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade
He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says, "If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him. He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage. When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal. Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".
I’ve got class
I mean… He ain’t wrong
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
The downfall of retail
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
This playstore thing. Never gonna keep up with them. That’s why people look apple.
It ain’t much but it’s honest work.
They wear sunglasses because they have no souls.