I just found a bra in the middle of the library.
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him “Fuck that.”
I’m doing these prostate exams my way.
It cracks up!
He takes the art out of rap artist
When it's full groan.
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
A laughing stock!
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
Because all of the fans left.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
Because they’re two tired
It's a sweet role!
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
Because he conditioned it.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." “What do they say?" the priest inquired. “They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. “That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time." “Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" Edit: wow guys, first post above 1.0k 🙂 glad you all liked it!
The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?” “The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!” “How does he drive you crazy?” “For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.” The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?” “He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!” “Hmm, anything else?” The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!” “Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.” So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?” The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.” The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.” “What did he say?” “He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!” The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.” The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.” The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.” “Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.” The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble. And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.” “This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.” “What did he say?” The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’”
For my black jeep…
It was a Big Mcsteak
Coworker: "Yeah, of course I do." Me: "Well, how about getting laid more often."
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers…
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them…
I've heard there is 8 stories.
A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality…
The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘okay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says ‘father, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘There you have it son, that’s the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts’.
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn't Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.