I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
My friend shouted, “You have a BA, a Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”
It was a third degree burn…
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
If you ever think times are tough, just imagine being a pig.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”
Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
Living with Roommates
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
What do you call Batman skipping church?
Christian Bale
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar…
Blunt force trauma
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
A man is driving down a country road
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"