I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
I was really excited about the final season ~ Now I’m just sad 🤷♂️
I was really excited about the final season ~ Now I’m just sad 🤷♂️
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
r/NASAmemes is a new subreddit for space and NASA memes!
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well….ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture
They're all back stabbers
The game is the 32X port of Virtua fighter if your curious
The game is the 32X port of Virtua fighter if your curious
I arrived for my interview with the league of assassins a bit too early…
I had plenty of time to kill.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Buenos Nachos!
I just took off my backpack after my very last college final.
Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders. Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so I’m happy even if you don’t like my joke!
A blonde goes to work in tears.
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
Do you want to hear a mean joke?
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".
What did the Mexican fireman name his two sons?
José and Hose B
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies