I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I recently took a poll
I found that 100% of people were upset when the tent collapsed.
A Conman, Moron and Rapist walks into a Bar
Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
This Earth Day, join us at r/jokes as we celebrate being the most eco-friendly subreddit
Now made with 98% recycled content.
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz…
"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny. "What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie. "And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie. "Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!" The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" "So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Why did the doctor get angry ?
Because he lost his patients .
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns…
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
I arrived for my interview with the league of assassins a bit too early…
I had plenty of time to kill.
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”