I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Beep boop boop
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
Yeah you can obviously break into CIA servers in 30 seconds
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
One day a republican will own up to his mistakes, then pigs will fly
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
Cause the ol’ lady can’t drive worth a shit
to make America great again
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
Mitch McTreason continuing GOP legacy
Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?
He identifies as he/he.
Wholesome boomer humor
Well that’s ok then, as long as you’re not racist
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
It’s one of the most boomer things I’ve seen on my timeline……….
Wifes cooking its what’s for dinner!
Solving Climate Change:
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
No text found
You’ve been Ginsberged
A comic about friends
Noses just keep getting bigger
The U.S. Justice System
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
and “defunding the department of education” is good for who?
Senator Lindsey Graham is outraged
They are both 13!
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!
Can’t think of an interesting title
What even is “Crime”?
What are smart people called in America?
I Don’t Recall Signing Up for the Email Chain, Grandma
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
A Syrian kid in France.
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
I’m Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
There! I fixed it . Everyone back to work !!
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
Chief law enforcement officer
Why isn’t there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
Class of 2020
Ah yes, that was in my English book.
Bernie was right!
Don’t Forget to Update Shotgun Drivers
Right Fly speaking the truth om so many levels.
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
Trump Campaign: Fake News! Donald *really is* Ricky Balboa.
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
Cheating is not cool
He’s onto something