I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
It’s a gateway rug
They ignore my existence unless they need something
They are show shellfish.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
He said he'd be right back
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
The deep web
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
A four-chin teller.
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
He won the no-bell prize