I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?
He's fucking bananas.
A really nice lovesong
Stereotypes ✅ terrible graphics ✅ big noses ✅
Well done, boys! I knew we could!
four hours and counting
Is everything alright BR
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates
The truth is in there somewhere
Holy shit, it’s everything wrong with politics in the Western World!
“We have God on our side.”
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
The Norwegian navy has started putting bar codes on their ships…
So they can scan da navy in…
not sure if thats this good of an idea
Easy solution and we can keep on infinitely increasing standards of living
Tomi just got burnt!
Wait no hang on
*Insert an HTML programmer joke here*
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
Universal Law of Demos
Self isolation against Corona Virus!
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
OMG! What a sadistic choice, I can’t even!
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
Microsoft finally integrates Bing into… Notepad? Who asked for this?
Caught in the wild.
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
No text found
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
First and foremost, you’re right to be concerned.
Who remembers highschool chem classes
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
Haha, vodka funny
Once you start it you can’t escape
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
Whew, close one
Laughing till crying emoji.
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
How do you make toast in the jungle?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
Sad boomer noises
Last one is really shocking.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
Launching a project after working on it for almost an year.
The terminator wants to have a word with Mr. President
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
Kids these days
Based on a True Story. [tap to view full meme]
When Karen starts learning regex
What my mum sent me…
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
My kind of face mask
Newton’s 3rd law learned the hard way
Oh the double standard is real
What do short people in Minnesota like to drink?
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
Feel bad for the people around him
He’s not wrong
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!