I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?
He's fucking bananas.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
The Norwegian navy has started putting bar codes on their ships…
So they can scan da navy in…
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
No text found
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
How do you make toast in the jungle?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
![Based on a True Story. [tap to view full meme]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/d7jtfwqt69h41.jpg)
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
What do short people in Minnesota like to drink?
A Mini-soda
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
![Dunno if this works but [everyone liked that]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/gjrojo93dce41-400x497.png)
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
