I just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess there’s no need to try pot roast.
After all the OSHA violations he was pretty low on cash…
After all the OSHA violations he was pretty low on cash…
Is that a bacon tree I see?
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says……… "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree." "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree." And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? " "Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush…."
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
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There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
Where do dogs keep their cold summertime treats?
In the pant-ry
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t,” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
I can’t be the only one feeling like this for every new AI startup, right?
I can’t be the only one feeling like this for every new AI startup, right?
a fallen soldier
a fallen soldier
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
Watching American news lately fills me with overwhelming patriotism.
Because I'm Canadian.
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
My 13yo has had enough. I disagree.
https://imgur.com/a/b4uxwBM
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
You are under arrest
Police: You are under arrest! Me: Why? Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle. Me: Did you say six? Police: that is correct, six! Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.