A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says βI will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.β The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says βOkay, whatβs the catch?β
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed ….. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box……."
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. βAnd, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shoutedβ¦
"This is a stick up!"
A man is walking to his car late at night
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?β The guy replies, "Well that was my wifeβs seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.β The man says back, "Thatβs terrible, but couldnβt you get another close family member to come with you?β The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. βSo what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.β The second man says: βI arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.β The third man says: βI arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.β
Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree. The couple accepts gladly the procedure. The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear. But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level. The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting. At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good. Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, βBut your name is Brian…β
I exclaimed, βI know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!" He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
Why is this so easy? (X-Post from r/harrypottermemes u/themagiclady, link in the comments)
https://ift.tt/31oljPB
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
After my wide died, I couldnβt look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
My friend told me, βMy girlfriend keeps asking me if Iβm an Alice in Wonderland character, and itβs getting really annoying!β
βAre you mad at her?β I asked. He responded, βGeez! Donβt you start too!β
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
Whatβs Forrest Gumpβs Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
My girlfriend objected when I tried to..
post our home made sex tape on PornHub, saying she couldnβt stand the thought of all those strangers masturbating over it. So I put it on Facebook instead.
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
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I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.