I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.
Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m planning to give it a shot.
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking?
Time cannoli tell
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
The joke is that this SHOULD be a fake tweet but…it’s real… how .. the …is this real
https://ift.tt/2UtRTPh
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
I have sexdaily
Crap! I mean dyslexia
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
