I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test…
I'd have $6.30 right now
Give ‘em the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. Before you know it, they're getting down to it. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she’s an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
Yesterday I confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
What’s the male version of a Karen called?
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head.
From a distance they looked like hares.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
I was told to post this here.
This here.
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
https://ift.tt/2YVjBYn
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated
First time
Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed. Husband : What? You had three divorces before. Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it. Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it. And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it. You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses." Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts." Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid…
Man she really wanted a daughter.
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
