I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, “we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we’ll see when you come back.”
So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there. The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere. The third guy doesn't go anywhere. 6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites. The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me." The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world." Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “ After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make her the obvious choice… She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. oh how the stables have turned.
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
Joke
Police: “Open the door!” – Man: “I don’t want any balls!” – Police: “What? We don’t have balls!” – Man: “I know.”
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
[removed]
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.
What do you call a lazy cow?
Lean beef.
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
So proud
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said “I’m warm.” Son piped up and said “I can finally say this – Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.
They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
What do you call a smart fart?
Asstoot.
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking JK, Rolling
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Baler Swift
Baler Swift
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
I’m not very good at dad jokes, but here goes nothing
No text found
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
What is a pirate’s favorite type of music?
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn’t really exist…
…we would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher