I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Eddy!
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Eddy says anything sexual or offensive. Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know". The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain." Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building. The class remains quiet. The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that? Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish. At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out. Eddy looks around and says: Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport.
I'd probably get bronze.
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.
I just realized, this sub doesn’t inherently make fun of boomer humor, it just compiles it.
Some boomer humor is actually good, some is wholeheartedly trash, but both sides of the spectrum exist, and both can be enjoyed.
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you’ve stepped on their tails?
It's your Yelp score
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
How many people can you fit on a motorcycle in Rio de Janeiro?
About two Brazilian