I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick OโShay
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
โYou wanna pizza me?โ
We’re starting to have a problem with violent posts. Yall need to calm down. This is a humor sub.
Over the last couple weeks or so, the mod team has noticed an increase of mouthbreathing morons posting dumb violent memes that violently target political opponents, either attacks against the politicians themselves or the underlying voting bloc. Not only has this stuff been posted, some of it has been getting upvoted.First off the bat, none of that is humor.Second, what the fuck?So beyond this point, the mod team is going to crack down on this stuff a lot more solidly. Post a meme about Ilhan Omar getting eaten by pigs? Instaban. Post a meme about paying five dollars to tie Mitch McConnel down and punch him in the face? Instaban. Posting a meme about how liberals or conservatives need to take the “plastic bag challenge?” Instaban. Shooting people on the border? Instaban. Shooting cops? Instaban.”But mod, isn’t defending these people the same thing as defending the political beliefs that they stand for”No it’s not you sniveling moron. You utter buffoon. When you were growing up with your little brother, your mom still stopped you from murdering his ass even when he broke your Lego Space Shuttle for the fourth time. What a dumb fucking question, idiot.”But mod, don’t you understand that the fate of American politics rides upon me posting this meme to your subreddit? You’re censoring my free speech and ruining the United States”AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. For those of you doubting this, this is a real argument that people send us in modmail all the time.”But mod, this isn’t a call to violence, it’s just a funny meme about how my least favorite politician needs to be held accountable for their crimes”I’m sorry, you must be over the age of 13 to have a Reddit account.”But mod, saying “Guillotine” or “Helicopter Ride” isn’t a serious call to violence”You’re not only wrong, you’re stupid and wrong, which is the worse kind of wrong.No further questons.
What is GEN Z’s least favorite toy?
a BOOMERang. Ha.
Why was the fool left hanging?
No text found
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian?
Mohahamed.
I had a hen that could count her own eggs.
She was a Mathmachicken.
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Communism was bound to fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and sheโs been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
An American biker decides to travel the world
Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day. One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe. For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome. After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest. He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. โMy name is Yu! Itโs an honor to meet you!โ the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick. It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too. The two quickly became inseparable, but Yuโs father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded. Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didnโt have his beloved Chinese maiden. So he did the only thing any other sane guy would doโฆ. Rick rolled back into town screaming, โIโm never gonna give Yu up!โ
I Don’t Think That Bulldog Is Willing To Cheer For Your Team
I Don’t Think That Bulldog Is Willing To Cheer For Your Team
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
My wedding was so beautiful
Even the cake was in tiers
What do you call a Nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' Catholic.
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
What you do get from a dwarf cow?
… condensed milk.
Only anti-vaxxers will get this one…
Small-Pox
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
Whatโs the difference between a dad and a grill?
A grill runs out of gas
Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler?
It was one really long trailer.
My teacher told me to turn in my essay…
But I ainโt no snitch.