I just heard some bad news about Subway’s 6 inch sub.
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
Your pupils. They dilate.
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
Tickets are non-refundable…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
But none of them work
No wonder we're all terrified of clowns
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
Do they die hard?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
It was a millennial falcon.
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
I thought we had good alchemy…
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Guess who came crawling back
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
"Username checks out"
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."