I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
I don’t know why
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
With a pumpkin patch!
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
His grades were below C level.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers. When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it. When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it. When they got to the third barrier, Thor took out Mjolnir and bopped a hole in it. Then they got to the fourth wall, and Deadpool said, "Am I supposed to be the punchline to this joke?"
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
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The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
ME: Through the glass bit
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."