I just laughed for 10 minutes!
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen. “Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
I’ve seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
Donald Trump
[removed]
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Reddit’s freedom of speech
[removed]
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
Why did the can-crusher man quit his job?
because it was soda-pressing
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man
“Hey Bud, why don’t you use condoms?”
"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun
The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion. The major says, "Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?" The private says, "Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault