I JUST LAUGHED OUT LOUD IN CLASS 🤣🤣🤣
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
The Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
What’s the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night…
Luckily I was in my living room.
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road. Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized. I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him. "Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked. "Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it." "Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Wanna hear a feminist joke?
Me too.
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
My wife just told me she was pregnant…
True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke: "Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad." Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
I went to the doctor and told him I couldn’t hear through one ear..
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”
Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
How do you spell Panda?
In order to spell Panda, all you need is p and a.
How do your pets stop the show you’re watching?
They use paws!
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
A woman was sitting at her dead husband’s funeral.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
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Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.