I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
Trump walks into a bar
and lowers it
A student visits the principalโs office one day and the principal says to him, โWhatโs your name, son?โ He replies, โD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.โ The principal looks up and asks him, โOh, do you have a stutter?โ
The student replies, โNo sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.โ
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
My wife to our son, “Go brush your teeth with your sister”
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids “Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?”
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
I find radishes to be kind of cool.
No text found
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself
A farmer drove over to his neighborโs house and knocked on the door
A boy, about 9, opened the door. โIs your mom or dad home?โ The farmer asked the boy โNo, they went in to town.โ The boy replied โWell, how about your brother Howard?โ The farmer asked โNo, he went with mom and dad.โ The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says โI know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.โ โWell,โ The farmer said uncomfortably โI wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.โ The boy thought for a moment then said โYouโll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.โ
I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early
The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear…
is sphere itself
I
J
How do you know when a herpetologist is really upset?
They're throwing a hissy fit.
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
Very tired
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? professor: okay there is one stupid question.
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were: 1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David. After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads: "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clearโฆ
The first Karen to get covid was….
Impatient zero.
My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
โHow are you mate?โ โYeah Iโm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.โ I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said โYour dadโs sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond โGet away with ya… Prove it.โ I shouted downstairs โHey, mate! Both of them?โ He shouted back โOf course both of them! Whatโs the point in fucking one?โ
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.