I just lost an ice cube in the kitchen.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
Such a nice jester.
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I will preface this by saying I work in IT. The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was “you’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker” My wife’s response was “but he does work with Windows” I am a proud husband.
How low can you go?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
Restaurant in peace.
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
so I can watch it with my family.
They live past the age of three
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said; "I would like to buy some cyanide," The pharmacist asked her; "why in the world do you need cyanide?" She said; "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed; "Lord Have Mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE." The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says; "Well now thats different You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
I had to drop out to graduate.
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
They’ve left no tern unstoned
The red flags were everywhere.
The Times are rough
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
I was looking for something specific
Apparently the paper was jamming.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
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I told him that was a blanket statement.