I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
1) great
2) great
3) great
4) great
5) great
6) great
7) great
8) great
9) great
10) An absolute cracker
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection…
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?
They’re extinct.
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?…..
Same middle name.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office !
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
We’re starting to have a problem with violent posts. Yall need to calm down. This is a humor sub.
Over the last couple weeks or so, the mod team has noticed an increase of mouthbreathing morons posting dumb violent memes that violently target political opponents, either attacks against the politicians themselves or the underlying voting bloc. Not only has this stuff been posted, some of it has been getting upvoted.First off the bat, none of that is humor.Second, what the fuck?So beyond this point, the mod team is going to crack down on this stuff a lot more solidly. Post a meme about Ilhan Omar getting eaten by pigs? Instaban. Post a meme about paying five dollars to tie Mitch McConnel down and punch him in the face? Instaban. Posting a meme about how liberals or conservatives need to take the “plastic bag challenge?” Instaban. Shooting people on the border? Instaban. Shooting cops? Instaban.”But mod, isn’t defending these people the same thing as defending the political beliefs that they stand for”No it’s not you sniveling moron. You utter buffoon. When you were growing up with your little brother, your mom still stopped you from murdering his ass even when he broke your Lego Space Shuttle for the fourth time. What a dumb fucking question, idiot.”But mod, don’t you understand that the fate of American politics rides upon me posting this meme to your subreddit? You’re censoring my free speech and ruining the United States”AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. For those of you doubting this, this is a real argument that people send us in modmail all the time.”But mod, this isn’t a call to violence, it’s just a funny meme about how my least favorite politician needs to be held accountable for their crimes”I’m sorry, you must be over the age of 13 to have a Reddit account.”But mod, saying “Guillotine” or “Helicopter Ride” isn’t a serious call to violence”You’re not only wrong, you’re stupid and wrong, which is the worse kind of wrong.No further questons.
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesn’t speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs. Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual? Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs! Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . . Man: … Apple Pie and Coffee.
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
They lost my case.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to scew in a light bulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
