I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”
I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
“Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
Two antennas fall in love and get married on a roof
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans.
They run at 100 feet a second
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
She’s a really big help.
What did a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!