I just pulled a muscle laughing
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night….
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.
As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision." Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face. On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. Only thing worse is that disgusting excuse for a shirt you're wearing." Startled, the man rushes into the bathroom to freshen up, then returns to his seat at the bar. As the bartender brings back his beer, the man says to him, "I think I'm going crazy here. I thought I had the peanuts heaping praise on me here and then the juke box ridiculing me on my way to the bathroom. Did I imagine that?" The bartender solemnly shook his head. "No, sir. My apologies. The peanuts are complimentary, but the juke box is out of order."
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
My 8yr old daughter got me with “I can breathe under water”
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A SpecTater.
What’s the difference between an untrained sniper and a constipated owl?
One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
https://ift.tt/2VuzQKk
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
My neighbors cows were stolen last night
He beefed up his security
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.