I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

With great power comes great electricity bills

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

I mean, how low can you go?

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!

The three men had always done everything together!!!!! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.” “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician. Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

My buddy Brian does it for me.

But i like to have sex on my own Accord

If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…

Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.

She chose the ladder.

My existence is ignored except for when they need something.

She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”

I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!

24 years in to their marriage unfortunately

Our Glass.

They m8

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

I won't be able to live with myself.

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

"He seizures when you're sleeping."

Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up. “I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.” And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up. “I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!” The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.” With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down. It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself. And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was laughing loudly now. “I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.” He started rolling on the floor as he laughed. “I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder. “I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.” Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious. “Why were you laughing all this time sir?” “I wish they were all ugly again.”

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.

Because dawn is tough on Greece

I said, “Mark, my words!”

At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

Tep on the brake, tupid!

No text found

Pencils confused him…2B or not 2B?

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Sign Language

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, I’m Superman… Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, he’s gone. “What was that?!” screamed Wonder Woman. “I don’t know” the Invisible Man said. “But my asshole is killing me.”

It’s not stroganoff

They never get any green cards.