I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
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A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper “Wanna hear a joke about blondes?”
Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers "Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe… he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says "OK, FINE… I won't tell the joke… I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."
When I turned into a teenager, my dad repeatedly emphasized the importance of using a condom whenever I have sex.
He said, “Anyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.”
I told my therapist that i am having suicidal thoughts
He now makes me pay in advance
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
Assistant to the President: Sir, there’s a crisis – somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar’s Up left in existence.
President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me. Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir … President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved! Assistant to the President: Sir … President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie? Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir. President: Rick? Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
Whatdya call someone drowning in mayonnaise ?????????
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
Guacawakamole.
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
Why does no one know what happens after death?
It’s coffindential
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
But the ungrateful bitch spat it out.
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian?
Mohahamed.
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?” The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
Did you know that there’s actually no official training for garbage men?
They just pick it up as they go along.
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
A man goes to church to confess his sins….
He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard." The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad." "Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard." "My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed." The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard." The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries." The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house." The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?" The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
Pink Panther’s To Do List
To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Doooooooo
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
The more suicidal people there are
The less suicidal people there are
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father. Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
What’s 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period
A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.
He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.” The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, “Aha! I got it!! It’s aunt. A-U-N-T!” The Pope smiles and claps his hands. “Wonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?”
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
Went to the swimming pool the other day and desperately need to pee so just peed in the pool
Got such a fright when the lifeguard blew his whistle that I nearly fell in..
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.