I just started buying stock from the market

There are too many ears

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

Thog don’t care

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A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable. He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, especially after a few beers. Business started to boom and Blackie became somewhat of a public figure. One night Blackie was snoozing on the sidewalk outside the bar when a cyclist came speeding through and ran over her tail. She was taken to the vet and the tail unfortunately had to be amputated, but the man, being eccentric and deeply affectionate towards her, had it stuffed and mounted on the wall. Blackie lived many long and happy years after the incident, but the day came that she passed on. The bar owner, along with many community members were extremely saddened by the news. A few nights later, the man is cleaning up the bar in the early morning hours after shutting down for the night. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a dog approaching him from across the room. "Blackie, is that you?" The dog spoke. "Yes it's me, I am sorry that I that I left you. But I desperately need your help. I went to heaven after I died, but they won't let me in. God said that he can't let dogs into heaven if they don't have their tails, but since I was a good dog he let me come back for tonight to retrieve it. I know you still have mine and I need it back if I am ever to rest peacefully." The man replied, "I'm sorry Blackie, but you know I can't retail spirits after midnight."

They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring. One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance. A few weeks later, a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island. On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says, “Do you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."

Nothing, they were stuck up cunts

It's non-stick

An undercover cop.

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.

Minneapolis

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdyvNZPJZJucPl3l_p191g5IXemEtpOfg

Because one egg is un oeuf.

There's too much sax and violins

I named the second one Repeat.

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

Those were the days

A. So they can hide in fruit trees? Q. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a fruit tree? A. Of course not, they're too good at it. Q. How do elephants get in to fruit trees? A. They parachute in. Q. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in a fruit tree? A. Tickle the fruit and see if it laughs. Q. Why should you never walk through the forest on Thursdays between 2 and 4 PM? A. That's when the elephants are practicing their parachuting. Q. Why does the orangutan have a flat face? A. He ate some fruit without tickling it first. Q. Why does the beaver have a flat tail? A. Because he walked through the forest on Thursday between 2 and 4 PM. u/kickypie's hippo joke reminded me of these (https://www.reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/comments/djwf9o/why_cant_you_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)

All Dante.

Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.

He always finds them funny

It’s Three To One.

Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?

And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags

A construction company was once working on a large corporate building. The manager was overseeing it's construction, making sure every beam was squared and every brick was the right shade. After all, he had even hired artists to add bright murals to the place. Halfway through the making of this, a worker approached the manager. The worker says, "Sir, isn't this building a bit colorful for a corporate workplace? I mean, we can barely transport all this dye with the forklift!" To which the manager replies, "Not to worry my friend! It'll work! You just need to expand your pallet!"

Not me.

Another day, another Dawn.

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing."

Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!

The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"

The correct answer was blood vessels.

He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B