I just think that fit doesn’t well.
I heard my son’s first words today
"Dad where have you been?"
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
A man walks into a bar…
…he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke. "Take this apple." "I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke." "Trust me, try the apple." The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!" "Yup. Turn it around." "Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!" Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in. "Vodka and tonic please mate" "Here's an apple." "I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a…" "Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer. He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!" Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!" A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate". "Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!" "Any flavour?" Asks the third man. "Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman. "In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!" "Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple. The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar. "EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!" "TURN IT AROUND!!"
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
Why isn’t there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
What do you call a lazy cow?
Lean beef.